Lost in Hazzard County

Oh man! I had this wicked blog entry that I wanted to post about my opinion on things lately and it all went Foooie! That's right, gone! Whaaawwww!

I tell ya though it's me the muse Val though, not the author. Yeah, I know I haven't spoke in a while. I've been meaning to but I just haven't gotten around to it. So sue me.

Recently, I've come to realize that I like who I am as a muse. My author created me for a reason and she fell in love with her creation because I sure as heck wouldn't be around if she didn't like me. Just recently, it was 'National Women's Day' I think, and I celebrated. I celebrated this event by finally being happy with who the hell I am! Yes, I just swore. I'm happy being goofy and silly. I like the fact that I was created with a small chest! I like my brown hair and grey eyes. I love the fact that I trip over my own feet and I am as tall as a short NBA player. I wasn't made a sex diva and you know what, I'm cool with that. I'm sexy being who I am. I'm glad I'm a goodie toe shoes and that I have morals and convictions!  I rock and no one is going to tell me otherwise! Yes, I think green and pink rock together and I'm the epitome of eco-feminism. I am country. I am woman and I am a Strate.

Oh sure, I'm not perfect. There is a lot about me that isn't perfect but I don't care. Guess what, news flash, NOBODY IS PERFECT! You know what, people actually like people who aren't perfect. For the longest time, I thought there was something extremely wrong with me and that I was an awful person. Now, I know, I'm not. I love who I am and I know, yes I KNOW, that my family, my adopted family loves me. How do I know? I know because they told me. That's right they told me.  I love them back. They really do care and they love me. We're happy and no one can tell me otherwise that we are not a family. They accept me as I am and they love me, despite my faults. That's what family is. Family doesn't just accept your presence because they have to in order to get to someone else. They love all of you, despite it all. Family also accepts when people are in love and need to make commitments. Family lets people go when they really want to hang on, but know they can't. Family sacrifices for the good of the family.

I know now, that I have a lot of family. I have blood family and I have adopted. The adopted mean a lot to me because they accepted me when they didn't have to. They didn't have to love me, and love me despite of it all.

Thank you, for accepting me and loving me... You know who you are.

 

Yeah, I have to work tonight now. They called me into work because the other cashier called off. So after I post this, I'm heading to bed. This means I won’t be around tonight or Sunday night. Saturday (tomorrow), I won't be on till late. I'm going to be with my family at the annual chili supper. I'll see some old friends there and be playing games and things with the family. My grandmother is coming over to visit and attend the event. She's not doing well, but the important thing is to focus on the good times I have with her and enjoy them. This is why I need to go while and when Grandma is able to.

I would like to touch base personally with some friends but maybe I'll try to squeeze in an email or two to people. If you're up and around on Saturday, hey that's great. If not that's fine too.

I'm off Monday night so if you wait till then to hang out, great. I will have my work schedule for next week up soon here. It's not a packed working week but I'm going to have a lot of events going on this up coming week which might keep me busy. I'm not trying to ignore people. It's just getting hard to schedule time. I'll always try to keep things open though guys. I do miss you and hope to spend time sometime soon.

Till then, take care and know that I'm with you.

Shorthorngal and her muse Val

I got this from Danelle.org; she's a friend of mine and maryannecoltrane.com another friend. They both have answered this simple question, well now I figure it's my turn.

Five places I'd like to go are...

1) Wisconsin! It's the home of cheese and cows in the USA and I would so want to see the cattle shows that take place up there. I also have college friends that live there. One she lives in Milwaukee and I so would love to hang out with her along with my buddy Kayleigh. We had some good times in college! Ah yes! Beer, cows, cheese, cream... What else could you want?

2) Japan! Yes, I want to go to Japan. See it all and take in the culture. I love Japanese culture. The Samurai is a much honored warrior in Japan and they regard them like the cowboys of the west in the USA. I so want to feel and see what that culture is all about. I also want to wear a silk kimono.

3) Australia, Melbourne to be exact. Australia has one of the most unique eco-systems in the world. Some of the animals there can't be found any place else in the wild. I also want to visit my hero, the late Steve Irwin's zoo. I want to see the nature, play a didjirie doo, talk to the Aborigines and then go to a nice restaurant and have a good shark steak dinner. MMMMMMmmmm!

4) Germany, it's the home of my ancestors’. My mother is full blooded German and my father is half blooded German. I'm three quarters German. My grandfather was also stationed over there during WWII. There are also some more personal reasons to visit this place.

5) Texas, with its blend of cultures, I want to see Texas. I want to see the desert, the cacti, and the scorpions in the wild. I want to feel that heat on my skin and be able to use some of the Spanish I learned in school.

In honorable mention, were Atlanta Georgia, and the Lake Erie Islands. I never been to Atlanta but I'd like to. I have been to the Erie Islands and I'd love to go back. Those islands are Ohio's best kept secret.

February 13, 2009


My personal deadline for personal change.

Or else... I'll suffer the consequences.

You ever get those pictures or scenes in your mind that your muse gives you that are just incredibly vivid and emotion filled that make you want to capture it in the real world for all to see? Do they ever beg you to try to draw them even though you know all you can draw is a stick figure?

I do.

There are times that my muse Valerie speaks so loud that I see her in vivid color and life. When this happens, I usually have to write with her or I have to ‘try’ to draw her. These feelings are like bursts of inspiration that are so powerful that they help with creation. I usually make story starters out of these bursts. They can also be triggered by songs that remind me of Val, images that remind me of her, or objects. I may find a sweater or a perfume scent that she likes. I have found she is very affectionate toward music. Carpenters, Rosanne Cash, Emmylou Harris, Dar Williams, John Denver, Enya, all spark Val and give her energy to get those bursts. Lately I’ve been listening to Dar Williams and I heard this song called, ‘Go to the Woods’. I heard Val loud and clear in that song. The contemplative, deep meanings wrapped in the subtlety of fun, funky, fast-paced music in the song makes me think of Val. It hits Val’s style right on the head. She’s very funky, fresh, fun loving but under that bubbly exterior is a very mature, brewing woman, who has her eyes on her future as well as her past. She’s given up things and made sacrifices to have the things she treasures. She doesn’t let those hardships weight her down, well at least not to public or people who aren’t close to her. She has two faces to her personality and it makes her a very whole character because of it.

I noticed that places can also spark these inspirations. If I want to be closer to my muse Val, I often go walk on the wooded bike trail or take a walk down a country road and look out across a wheat field or a cornfield. Sometimes looking out at the fields and watching the beginning of a storm hit or seeing the ice covered crystal trees, or being around my family brings me thoughts of Valerie.

I’m grateful for her. (Meanwhile she’s blushing and giggling in the corner dancing to Dar Williams ‘Go to the Woods’.) *sigh*

Muses… they give life beauty.

"Go to the Woods" by Dar Williams

Rambling and rambling, rambling and rambling

It’s the woods, What do ya see?

In all the spooky shadows, in the forests of green…

Is there winding path, angry ass woman who will eat you…

Sad eyed lumber jack save you, who will greet you

It’s a different story, for you and for me

Go the woods, go to the woods, and see

Out in the storybook land, are many leagues of the wild

Wise and uncontainable as a windy haired child

There are the youth truth movements and they’re springing from the ground

Freak flag wavers and you can not chomp them down

And it’s the home of the brave

You’ll get the threat of the free

Go to the woods, go to the woods, and see

Are you afraid of the woods?

Are you afraid of the woods?

Are you afraid of the woods?

Are you afraid of the woods?

And if I was your memory, what would you do

Cause you know if you go back in time

There’s something waiting for you

You got your forest path, reading math, toppling a shape

You can just admit it there’s a promise that you made

And you can’t have your past back, but you can hold me

Go to the woods, go to the woods, and see

I am afraid of the woods.

I am afraid of the woods.

I am afraid of the woods.

I am afraid of the woods.

But what at the most, what at the most…

More than the man, the beast or the ghost…

Is that the woods are disappearing.

So when I go back, when I finally dare

All woods will be gone, they just won’t be there…

Rambling and rambling, rambling and rambling, rambling and rambling

I've been watching the auto-maker crisis rather closely lately, because well, it affects my home and family. Maybe not directly but indirectly and I know if the Big 3 crash, other facets of our economic system will collapse. I've also heard about the housing crisis and while that is hugely important, the collapse of the Big 3 on top of the housing crisis will definately cause a massive collapse of our country. Yes, I'm talking economic doomsday here. I know areas that fully depend on the income of factory worker tax payers. If those companies fall, other facets of the industrial industry will fail. I know, I have two parents that work in industry. One's on the white collar end of industry and the other the blue collar end, either work for the auto-makers but they work for companies that depend on other companies business in order for their companies to stay a float. If those companies who are their cilents go under, they have no income and then have to fold shop because they have no work and no jobs. You see, if the auto-makers go under, so will many other companies that work for them or supply them with things will go under as well. Retail sales in areas where there is heavy automotive employment will be soft and those stores will have to close. Governments in those areas will have to make cuts in their services because of the lack of funding because more tax payers will move away because they can't afford their homes because they no longer have jobs. Let's face it, the whole entire country is broke! There is no money and the money that the government is giving away is loans from other countries.

However, to just bail the Big 3 out of the hole is not the answer. In my opinion, automakers have to basically gut their whole system on how they do business. I was watching John McCain this morning doing an interview with George Stephonapolis, and he said it best about how the auto industry needs changes on their contracts, unions, pay rates, the way they do business, and how they look to the future, because 'they've been kickin' and screaming about it all the way'.

He's right.

I grew up in an area where factories are the main source of employment. Most everyone's parents in my high school had some kind of dealing with factory work. If your parents didn't work in a factory, you knew someone who had parents that did. Most everyone knew someone who had a parent that worked at an automotive plant in the area. Whole towns were based off of income from an automaker. My father's side of my family was raised on dollars upon dollars that GM made and provided to my Grandfather to raise a family. However, I'll be the first to admit it, that family was spoiled. Ok, second, because my father will admit, he was a spoiled child growing up.

The point being, my grandfather was paid too much for a job that did too little. That doesn't mean the man was lazy. Far from it! He was probably one of the hardest working men I know but his employer was foolish to pay a man like him the wage he got for the amount of work he done. My grandfather almost voilated his union contract a few times by sweeping the factory floor of his work area. He was scolded many times by his supervisors about doing little extra things here and there because he was taking away from someone else's job. All his job was to check parts with a calipers about once every 20min. If the parts came out fine, he didn't have to do anything but sit on his butt and wait for the next time to check a part. If there was something wrong, yeah he had to work his tail off to get things running again. However, that wasn't very often. Even sometimes if their was an electrical problem that he could fix himself, (because he was a handy man, even had his own lawn mower business on top of his day job with GM), he couldn't touch it. He would have to call an electrician, even if it was just to attach one little wire. Unions made sure he had a job and made sure he was paid that high wage. The UAW also has a 'job bank' system that pays you 95% of your wage while you are laid off. My father who works in a non-union factory, get's almost 1/2 the wage that my grandfather had and does twice the work. I too will admit, I grew up a spoiled child.

On top of the unions being a problem, GM has a reckless record of spending a mile long. Their CEO is paid huge sums of money more than the president of the United States. They have corporate dinning rooms and huge office towers. Health care for GM employees is probably the best in the nation! Even to the point of excess!

Not only is over spending GM's problem but the way they do business. They have too many models of cars and too many different little parts that essentially do the same freakin' thing. Like ashtrays for a Chevy Tahoe are different than ashtrays for a Chevy Z71. It's like it's an ashtray! Why does it have to be different for every stinking model? Maybe if they mainstreamed some of their production, they could make more profits! Corvette's have special tires for each individual tire! I mean really, does it have to be this way? Not only is that a problem with their models but they don't thing about the gobal future. They just think about style and not economy and it shows on how they do business. They are not friendly to the environment at all and it shows in the amount of 'green cars' they offer.

Basically, until GM decides to clean up their act, I blame them for their own troubles. Maybe Uncle Sam can help'em. Maybe not...


 

I put my faithful horse Star back in her stall in the barn after a long ride through the woods. The apricot streaks paint across the sky and are followed by a blanket of blue, ushering in the night. Another night is over and a new day is on its way. As I walk out of the barn, I look to the sky and see the first celestial bodies come to greet me in the night and one star stands out from the others. It shines in the night, so bright and so full of life compared to all the others. My gray blue eyes rest upon the twinkling light as the cool autumn air kisses my cheeks. I do not know if it is the cold that has spurred my tears, or if it was the pang, of sudden sadness that fills my heart from the distance between that ‘star’ and me. My throat feels hoarse as I whisper to the impending night, "Happy Birthday Baby..."

I know I do not have right to say it anymore but the feelings are still there. Yes, there was a lot of pain there. There was a lot between us, but there was also a lot of love shared. I stared at the star for a long moment then wiped the tears from my cheeks as I looked away and headed into the house. I was living my life as I saw fit but something was a miss. I knew I destroyed something beautiful and it was all my fault and I have tried to apologize. Often I wondered if there was no apology that could be accepted for my sins, if it was over and there was no way to go back. After all, you cannot make anyone love you and love is a luxury. A luxury I tossed away with my carelessness, like a fool. All I could do now was go on and pray that the winds of change decide to give me mercy for my mistakes. If there was no second chance then I just had to go on and be thankful for whatever kindness is shown upon me. Besides the warm smile of a good true friend is worth more than any passionate whimsical romance any day. The difference between a field of wildflowers and a twenty dollar bouquet of roses was the fact that the roses died and the field may die out in the fall but it'd always come back into bloom with the spring. The problem was, did I even have a field of wildflowers. I finally made it to the house and walked inside.

Another night gone and another prayer given.
 
Happy Birthday Brian.... I love you, always.

Valerie M. Strate

I recently heard Jefferson Airplane on the radio sing the song "White Rabbit" and I love it. I know, where have I been for the last how many years that song is old. But I love that song. It's all about Alice in Wonderland and from what the lyrics are it sounds like it's also about getting 'high'. Not that I endorse drugs, I don't but the mystery of the song and it's riddle like lyrics are amazing. It can be used in so many movies, books, stories, and ect.

Currently, I am getting lost in my own fictional adventure. I have inspiration to write again. This story that is in the works for the Halloween challenge is going well. I hope to have it finished by the deadline.
 
With all this said, I leave you all with the final though from the lyrics of "White Rabbit". With the economy and the presidential election looming in the air with uncertainty, I think this is appropriate.

When logic and proportion
Have fallen sloppy dead
And the White Knight is talking backwards
And the Red Queen's "off with her head!"
Remember what the dormouse said;
"FEED YOUR HEAD,FEED your head"

Valerie M. Strate

Ok, I've found that 'To-Do' lists are very helpful to this Scatter-brained Strate. Right now I'm in pretty high spirits even though there is alot I could be down about or be myself up about. On the other side of the coin, I got a lot to be thankful for! My family seems to be very close right now. I have made and rekindled some friendships at work. The county fair is going on this week and I plan to visit/watch the cow show tomorrow with my parents and my nephfew. I like this aunt thing. It's fun. Next weekend my cousin is getting married and it's a wedding that I actually can really enjoy, relax and feel great about with no undertones. My aunt Lori will be home that weekend with her hubby Mike. I don't get to see them often because they live out of state and rather far away. I look up to Lori a bit and Mike is awesome to talk to because he's a nuclear engineer and he and I have had great conversations about the state of our nation's energy crisis. I'm saving money up to pay my bills. I'm organizing my life on so many levels. I'm looking for emotional investments now, such as taking up causes, building relationships, taking joy in simple things, getting involved, thinking about taking a serious vacation next year once I've found a better job. 

I have to admit some things though, I do realize how much I need to invest in my health. Some issues that have been issues before are on my mind now. I realize how important some of those things I'm starting to do, really are needed. I can't just be the 'island unto myself', and lately my family has kindly pointed that out to me. 

Right now, I've thought also about taking a day trip to the islands to see some of my friends up there. They are on my mind and I do miss them. I guess living 2 and 1/2 summers on that little island really did have a profound affect on me. I became more of a woman because of it. 

I also have come to realize that advice is advice. I know, sometimes I'm one to take advice too deeply and put to much weight into it. Lately, I've been thinking and realizing about what my own heart and mind says about other's advice and deciding things for myself. A prime example is my old Agricultural instructor, I use to think his word was close to God's. Now, after much thought, research and growth on my own part, I've come to think on some issues, he's full of shi-! Oh my god! We actually think that about 'Spike'! Yes, he's a friend but the man's not God and he puts his pants on one leg at a time like everyone else. 

For the first time in a while, probably a year or so, I'm starting to really write and 'breathe' in a sense.  I feel like I'm going through a creative enlightenment right now. I like what 'Maryanne' said on her LJ about writting with muses, how she doesn't want to give things away because it upsets the 'muses'. She's right. I find it's easier to write when I don't talk about plots and ect. until I'm in the editting stage of writting. Which is why I'm quiet about it. Val likes it when I don't talk about her and just let her speak for herself. She told me she might write in this journal again because things are actually going for her now. But it will be her words, not mine. 

Well I have to lay down now because I work tonight. 

Thank you for listening and for reading, 

Shorthorngal

Kay so it's Saturday night at Kmart and I'm busy working the graveyard grind. I'm busy working when I find this group of guys come on up to my check out line. They were all around my own age. As I did my job in the most professional of manner, which means making small talk and making the costumer feel welcome while I get them on their way, I couldn't help but notice how well built they were. I asked them where they were from and they told me out of town and that they were going to Locust Point to hang out. All I could do is bite my lip and watch them walk away, thinking about where 'Locust Point' was and how I wish I could be there and not at work. Then on top of all of this, Andy comes by and starts singing his own lyrics to the love songs that are playing over the intercom. I can't help but laugh and wonder, what is it that makes my head turn his way, when there are four beef cakes that just walked by that I wanted to jump their bones.

I guess attraction comes in many forms, not just physical. I also was reminded by those four guys, that one must look for those little needles in the haystacks. Yes, there are still some good, fine, single young men out there for me. I just need to get out more.

Plus, those hotties also reminded me of my priorities and of the fact that I passed up a really fun day today at the islands because I had to do some research for my internship. I was wading around in a muddy river for two hours in the morning, looking for aquatic bugs. Fun stuff. When I could have been out partying with my cousin's fiancé at her bachorlette party. *sigh*

It all boils down to choices. Lately, I've been getting dreams that point to change and horoscopes that say things about destiny, but none of that matters if I don't make the choices and take the steps to set things in motion.

I know sometimes I'm 'late for dinner' so to speak, but really as long as I keep pushing and keep trying, something has to pan out. Something does. Who knows, maybe next time a I see a hottie in my checkout line, I might just get his phone number.

Shorthorngal

Ok, so Wed. night Andy and I went to see "The Dark Knight" and it was amazing. That movie does not disappoint. If you want to see a good mind-fuck of a action flick this is the one. Heath, I must say buddy o-pal, ya did an awesome job there. Plus Aaron Eckhart, played one yummy hot Harvey Dent, that is absolutely hot. I was jealous of Rachael. Then to see Harvey turn into Two-Face and die, *sniff* made me all woobie inside. Yes, I love the tall blonde hunky ones!

Which makes me wonder, why in the heck would I want a relationship of any sort with Andy?

Simple, he's a friend. I feel comfortable around him. I was a little nervous on the not!date but it was because I hadn't gone to see a movie with someone of the opposite sex that wasn't a relative in a long time. Ben I think was the last one. I'm not looking for a long term romantic relationship out of this with Andy. I'm not even looking for a romantic relationship with Andy, (however it wouldn't be denied if romantic notations were given). I just like hanging out with him, talking to him about economic issues, environmental issues, people issues, pop culture, just things that friends talk about. He makes me feel comfortable when talking to him. Which right now, I could use a friend to hang out with.

However, not all is sweet in the 'Shorthorngal' world right now...

Yesterday, was spent on organizing for the wedding and no one was happy about it. It felt like a chore, rather than a friendly, happy family affair. I can tell you the reason for this, it was because there is so much to do and it feels like the bride and groom don't even give a damn. It wasn't until about 8pm when the guy that ran the hall said that we could get in early, by going tonight that we (my parents and I) received a sad and sobering confirmation. My brother (the groom) came to hand over the check to the hall for it's reservation, finally was able to find a free moment to help us out and to let off a little steam about his end of things.

He made a few statements that made me worry about the future of this marriage. He loves her and is dear to his wife-to-be but it makes me wonder how much of that love, caring and apperception is given back in return. His wife-to-be doesn't communicate to others very well. She can be standoffish and ignore basic things that need answers if they don't fit into her scheme of things. It often makes me wonder how much bending and giving on what my brother is doing.

Maybe the reason she might feel not apart of all this is because she hasn't taken any effort to really get to know the family. My brother's family wants to embrace her but there seems to be resistance on her part. It almost feels like, she would be happiest if she just married my brother and ran far away with him and her boys and we were never able to see any of them ever again!

As my parents and I finished setting things up for the night, we realized we were all tired and that we haven't eaten at all because of all the work we had been doing. We sadly ordered a pizza with pop and cookies, went back home and crashed in our respective little areas of the house. The sad silence spoke louder than any words could. Was this the beginning of the end? Were we going to loose Mike and his son now forever after this? 

I know in todays world there are alot of blood families that don't have a sense of tradition and working together, and need for common ground and celebration of their roots. It's hard coming from a family that has all those things and then meeting someone that is going to join your family and wants nothing to do with any of it and wants to deny all part of what makes her spouse who he is.

Mike was my first best friend... I don't want her to take him away from me forever...

I know she'll be his wife and I want him to have a wife and be happy, but I want a sister too in return. I want nephews, all four of them!

I apologize to anyone I was talking to last night but I felt this mix of emotions. I wanted a release, so that's why I was on. Thank you for the moments distraction though, it helped make me finally wind down enough to sleep. *sigh*

Well, I guess that is all I have...

Peace out from the girl scout!

Ok, so Andy and I might be going to the movies tomorrow. 'Might'! I'm trying not to get my hopes up about anything because I don't want to freak him out or really go too much farther while I'm employeed at the same place. 

My game plan is to build a friendship with him while I'm looking for a job then when I've found one maybe thinking about more. 

Yes, I know my employer is sometimes a bitch about things and tries to find ways to demote and fire people for stupid reasons, but people have worked there before and dated, gotten married and ect. There is no policy on no-interemployee dating. So really that shouldn't be a problem. 

But the friend building seems promising. I asked if he wanted to go Wed. and he said maybe. Then this morning he asked for my cell number and told me, I should feel privilaged, because he hasn't gone to the movies with anyone from work in a long time and the last person he went with was a guy. 

Honestly, I don't want to go farther than friend building either right now. The last guy I went to the movies with that wasn't my relative was Ben, my high school fling that went no where. Actually he looks like Ben... Oiy! And Ben wasn't even the type that I normally drool over. Ben was cute but not my 'John Schneider hottie cute'. Plus Ben was smart, like this guy. This freaks me out now. 

Ok, be cool... just chill..... I'M GOING TO THE MOVIES!!! I MIGHT HAVE A DATE! *clamp hand over mouth* 

Ooops... Did I say that out loud?

Ok, so I'm typing away to my playlist on the computer that has Nickleback, Shinedown, John Schneider and the Eagles on it. 

Who on earth would think of such a comibination? Of course me, the Queen of Random thought.  

I might play a Grath Brooks CD that I got for $3 bucks later. I'm cravin' some Garth man.

This morning after I got off of work I zipped straight home to fill out an appilication for an entry level Water treatment plant operator in a neighboring town. After I finished and printed out a copy of my resume, I then drove to the courthouse where you drop the app's off at and turned it in. There must be alot of appilicants for that position because I've seen alot of middle aged men with apps for it when I was there. This tells me two things, there's alot of competition and if the city has a quota of male to female ratio to fill for affirmative action purposes, it will play in my favor.  Usually in this area, water treatment plant jobs are dominated by the white males. In fact my uncle is applying for the same job. Which he may get it over me, because he has more real work experience. However he lacks the environmental knowledge and the college degree that I have. So it's a toss up as to who they would hire in this case. I really don't want this job as much as the other one I have an interview with on Monday but a job is a job.

After turning in that app, I went to the hair stylist and got five inches wacked off of my hair and a facial wax for my interview with the Soild Waste and Water District on Monday. It felt nice to just sit in the chair and let the girl work on making me look 'prudy'. It's good to feel pampered. However pampered cost me about $50 bucks after the wash, cut, and wax was over. However I am not comsoloticolgicaly inclined so I'd rather pay someone a little to do it right for me the first time to make me look good and to give me confidence to nail that interview. After the beauty shop trip, I went home and combed my closet for what to wear. Suit? No too muggy and too stiff looking for this interview. Yeah, go in wearing a black business suit in 90 degree weather. DUH! My mother was trying to help but it ended up in a *itching session between the two of us. I guess she loves to remind me how huge my thighs are and how unorganized my life is. *rolls eyes*

I finally said the hell with it and went to bed because it was approaching 1pm and I was exhausted from working the night before and only getting four hours sleep the day before. Lack of sleep is my fault but I had to help the park district set up a powerpoint for the volunteer dinner they had that evening. Yes, I went and got my share of kudos for making the really cool powerpoint 'slide show'. So that's where my sleep went. 

So hopefully I can figure out what to wear. My mom was off of work all day today because she was given some meds for a poison ivy rash, that the stupid young chinese chick doctor thought was exima. I'm convinced mom got into poison ivy. I also won a nature debate with my mother that there isn't five leaf poison ivy. That vining five leaf plant is actually Virginia Creeper and can also cause a rash in some people like poison ivy. Maybe that's what my mother has? I won this little knowledge battle after my mother asked the Naturalist and my internsupervisor at the volunteer dinner about the plant. The boss set her straight and I got a fifteen second gloating session. Yes, only fifteen seconds, mother didn't let it last very long. Well anyway the meds cause her sugar to spike and make her sleepy. So the only kind of driving that woman can do while she's on these meds is to drive her daughter crazy.

So since my mother is off of work she's going to visit her brother who is cattering Mike's wedding and she's having a private disscussion on how everything should go to make sure that the bride doesn't screw this up. Yeah, isn't my mother amazing. She can't leave her hands out of anything! I agree, Kelly is a bit bullheaded like my brother but my mom has not been giving that girl any slack. Every minute I turn around, mom is complaining about something about the stupid wedding! It frankly pisses me off. 

On a good note, this interview I have on Monday I'm really hoping to nail. I talked to people about the job and they agree it would be good for me. It pays 33k with benefits, full time. I'd probably work some in an office and some of the time I would be out in the fields doing ditch surveying work and things. It totally sounds like my kind of gig. Every time I put my head on the pillow, I'm praying to the good Lord to help me deal with this one and thankful for the oppurtunity to just apply. Hopefully something pans out. 

Oh man, well I got to go. I gabbed enough. 

However I'd love to hear from you guys. I miss everyone alot and I've had alot of thoughts about this summer. I wish I could visit people or have some people come visit me. I know Dukesfest is coming up and I'm not going which kind of bums me out. Oh well...

Shorthorngal

 As I sit here at my office desk and sigh at the sound of quiet knowing I'm going to go back home to an empty house once my shift was over. I could go visit my brother Enos but I'[ve already seen him yesterday and the day before. My parents took a small vacation to Atlanta, so a visit their way is out. The only other people to turn to in my life is my brothers in the herd. 

The herd...

Am I even considered apart of the herd? 

Alex accepts and loves me and I know my visits to him have been more frequent than any other member but they have been lacking. Which it isn't his fault for my distance, I have been away. However whenever I am around, Alex is there. He is someone I can trust and love.

Bo... I haven't seen him in a long time. However when I did last see him, he said we see one another again soon. That has been over a month. Has he forgotten me? Have I done something wrong? Do I even matter?

Then there is Luke, I haven't spoken to him in forever. The distance between us is the farthest it's been. I don't feel conected to him anymore. Fact I haven't seen Brian in forever but I feel more of a connection to him than I do Luke and the last time we spoke it was harsh. I guess it's better to gone but not forgotten than to be forgotten and not gone. I sigh. 

Pearing at the glass fish tank where Fang sits slithering around, I realize I need to see my old faithful friend. Standing up and walking over to his cage, I pulled Fang out and let the boa rest on my shoulders. I then walked back to my desk chair and let the snake slither over my hands and the back of the chair. The very light sounds of his tongue were the only noise I heard.

"Hey there guy... Nice to see ya again." I smiled to him as my hands stroke over the smooth leathery skin. 

"I'm sorry, I've been away. Yes, know you were sick last week. I should have at least spoke to you instead of just feeding you and going about my day. I'm sorry Fang. I do care about you." 

The reptile seemed to understand as I spoke to him and slithered across my wrist. I know when Fang understands. I know when I've hurt him. 

There had been others in my life that I have not seen as well that I haven't mentioned. I miss them I miss them all...

 Valerie Marie Strate

 I told myself I wasn't going to post here again as me but I am....

Guess old habits die hard.

Mom and Dad are out right now with my nephew. They are out shopping for plants for the garden and looking for more stuff for the wedding. *sigh* All is going ok with the wedding but there are things that my mother doesn't approve of when it comes to the wedding. They are little things, and petty things that frankly are driving me up the wall. She's complaining about how the invitations aren't perfect, how my brother and his bride to be aren't fussin' about what they want mom to wear and how they told a friend of their's what to wear. Mom has also been fussing about other details of the wedding, such as my brother's wine getting bottled for the wine toast. 

Meanwhile, I have to keep hearing her complaining night and day. When it comes to my problems or aspirations to move on with my life, well... they can just wait. As much as I complain about my mother, there are times I need the woman's help and yet she pushes me off. 

She doesn't realize that I need my indepence, yet I still need some guidance. 

I want so much to just leave the world I came from behind. Yet, I realize, it's apart of me and I can't just let go. I have to find my own road without burning the path I came from. 

*small laugh* I mean, I must be selfish. I wanted to have a simple BBQ with the three of us, (mom, dad and me) on Monday but mom says no because we have to do work around the farm to get it ready for the rehersal dinner. I mean a simple BBQ, can't. So now, what I kind of want to do because mom is set on that is to go out myself Monday night and get hammered so much that I need a cab to get home. 

Yet, there is no need to worry because I won't do that. I'm not that kind of person. It would be wrong for me to do that and even though my emotions want me to do that irresponsible of an act, I won't. I don't have it in me to be that way. So I'll shut up and do what I'm told to on Monday. If I'm lucky maybe I can find some free time to escape a while and go to the park wetland that I'm observing for my internship and get away from everything for a while, just be alone with God and nature. There is a plan for me, I can feel it. I don't know what it is yet but it keeps drawing closer. 

I just need time.


Well got to go. Mom's home. 

Love the cowgirl that ain't ever been caught, 

Shorthorngal

Yes, you heard me say it, coal. Yes, I know coal is dirty and is a nasty fossil fuel but this country has a lot of coal reserves. The problem is that our cars are so dependant on oil fuel right now that we can't make the switch over. Electric cars are expensive! We're talking 40k plus for just a hybrid! Think about what a straight electric would cost.

So what are my reasons for coal? 

1) We have a lot of coal. It would break our energy dependence on oil.

2) There are ways to capture the pollutants that coal produces. However it's a costly process.

3) Coal mining would bring money back into the economy especially in states like Ohio that are part of the working class industrial backbone of America where their economy has tanked because all the jobs are being sent to China!

4) While we use our coal reserves we can invest in clean renewable energy. 

But won't we be trading glue for scotch tape? It's still a sticky situation no matter what? Yes, trading coal in place of oil as the nation’s main energy source is not much better but at this time what choice do we have. Sure we can try to force in solar, hydro and wind power but you might go broke while doing it. 

Where as I have a plan. You have the majority of coal enterprises open back up. You have the government sign a 20 year contract with coal producers. You have the electric power plants going for those 20 years. The first 5 years, people get no taxes but after the 6th year there is a 2% tax increase on coal. While doing that offer grants and subsidies for alternative renewable energy, this type of program will stimulate the economy and yet switch it over to alternative renewable fuels in 20 years.

But of course, something like that is too over peoples heads and will never fly in Washington.

*sigh*

What's a cowgirl gotta do to get a break?

Shorthorngal

 

 Last night I found out I didn't get the second interview in Chicago. :( Yes, sad... Which means I have to keep on hunting and hunting and hunting...

Yes there are alot of prospects out there and I will find something. I just have to look harder.

Last night I came home from my class and did some homework. I then checked my email after homework time and I found the rejection email. I was bummed. I didn't want to cry because my roomie was still in the room and I don't like showing sad emotions in front of people I don't know that well emotionally. Yes, my roomate and I are friends but to really know what emotions we have hidden underneath is a mystery. We play together and share things but that's about where it ends. 

So I went to the eatery down the hall and made myself a sundae. I came back to my room and by this time my roomate was leaving. So I was alone to drown my sorrows in chocolate, vanillia and marshmallow cream. My good friend Bobbins wasn't online so I couldn't be distracted by her and I was just feeling sorry for myself. I finished my sundae and didn't feel any better, in fact I felt worse because I knew I needed that sundae like I need a hole in my head. Then I started to get wreckless thoughts in my head and all of the sudden my brain said, 'Stop, pick up the phone and call someone. Call someone who cares. It could be anyone...'. 

I did. I called a friend whom I haven't spoken to in a while and got a surprise. I got a hold of another friend who I hadn't talked to in a longer while. I kind of shared some but I didn't let it all weeping out. I'm one of those that you kind of have to pry to get me to let my problems out. However, I really wasn't looking for a weepy moment, I was looking for someone to just help me escape for a moment and help me remember who I am. It was good to talk to my friend because I haven't heard from them in a long time and I just needed to talk and laugh. Which we did... we laughed and shared a little. We didn't get all mushy but hey, sometimes people don't have to get mushy to get that feeling of 'Hey, it's ok. Everythings going to be alright, just hang in there and keep focused.'. It seems like we never talked about the direct problem, just about things and stuff that made each other laugh but when I hung up the phone... I felt better. I then decided to go to the gym and workout. I felt better about myself and that all is not lost. I will move on and I will be focused. I will do what I need to do.

I guess, I'm able to say... Thank you... for just being there... (and for the indirect kick in the ass lol)

Shorthorngal

 

Yes it's happened. My brother's girlfriend had their baby. The little guy is soooooo cute! He looks just like the baby pictures of my brother. You can also see little features in him that match up with my brother. Example of this is that the baby has my brother's nose. It's amazing to look at this little guy and think he carries at least a fourth of the same genetic material as I do and he's sooooo tiny. The little eyes and little ears are so sweet looking. I know I'm babbling on about my nephew but he really is a pretty baby. He's also a big baby too, eight pounds. I can't wait to watch this little one grow. 

When I held him I was in such awe at how precious and amazing life is. One would think that I would start having maternal thoughts of my own. When in reality, I was having the opposite. I realize that my purpose on this planet is to not have a child. My thoughts after I returned him back to his father and mother were along the lines of, 'He is another life in the world. There are millions born like him every day. Can this earth support another life? How can I help make the world a better place for this little guy? Will he have the food he needs to survive? (Of course my nephew would have the food he needs but what about others like him who are less fortunate?) Will these children have clean water to drink and bath in? Will they see the forests or know what the natural world is like when they grow up or will all the forests be gone by the time they are old enough to enjoy them? Will we run out of oil by the time they are old enough to drive? Will we have suitable transportation by that time that they can experience driving and the comforts we have now? Will he know what it's like to feel the wind in his face and look at the clear blue sky and laugh as he rides the fairy boat over to the islands someday when he's old enough to party? Will he be able to roll around in the green grass and smell the sweet scent of honeysuckle on the summer breeze? Will all of this exist when he's ready to enjoy it?

In the 1970's the population of this earth had reached the billions. It was around 3 billion at that time. Within a 30 to 40 year span, it had doubled to now 6.5 billion. The earth has more humans on it than ever before. Science in theroy says we have enough resources right now but our problems stem from a distribution problem rather than a supply problem. However, at the rate that this population is growing, we may hit a point where we don't have the resources.

In Atlanta GA, they are wondering where they will get their water from. In the southwestern states there are concerns about drinking water and possible shortages. 

I know... not the normal thought pattern of a young woman who just became an aunt. However you have to remember my background and what I study. I realized that maybe my purpose on this planet isn't to help repopulate it. My purpose is to care for the resources of this planet  for those who are already here. There is an enviromentalist named Paul Eurlick, who told everyone in the 1960's that people shouldn't be having huge families. He wrote a book on over population after he and his family took a trip to India and experienced how crowded it was there. He said he felt like he was drowning in a sea of people. His out look was that couples should only have two children, enough to replace themselves. As I stood there holding the little guy, I then realized how many brothers he had. This was going to be my brother's girlfriend's fourth child and there is talk of trying for one more so they can have a girl. That's five children, that's three over the replacement limit. Taking a deep breath knowing this fact, I made a silent promise to this little guy, to remain childless for the sake of his generation. It's not that I wouldn't want a child of my own but for the sake of my principals and beliefs, I need to do this. I've been also told that probablity for me to have a child anyway is very slim with the current genetic problems I have. To me, it feels like a sign from above saying that my path is not one of motherhood. 

This isn't an easy choice for me to make but I feel it's in the best interest of the planet and those who live on it. Sure I could say, screw that, what's one more child? But if you actually stop and think about the amount of consumption that one person does to the resources of this planet, it's really rather depressing. So now I look at my new role in the world and realize what it is. I promise my little nephew that I'm gonna be the best auntie I can be to him and try to help make this a better place for him and his generation to live.

Shorthorngal

Don't ask me why but right now I'm craving crab with hot melted butter! Crab legs are one of my favorite things to eat. If I had a ton of steamed crab legs and a pot of melted butter to dip them in for Thanksgiving dinner, I'd be so happy. Screw the turkey, I want crab! The sweet taste of that tender juicy shell fish just melting in my mouth. MMMMMMMM.... Who needs a man when you have crab legs?!  Even my muse Val agrees!

Unfortunately, I'm probably going to have to settle for Subway or McDonalds. Right now all the dinning centers on campus are closed for the holiday break. Yay... Not! I haven't gone home because I'm working on some things on the computer and frankly, I could use the quite from the rest of the world. I have plenty of time tommorrow morning to leave. They kick people out at 10am and actually the traffic heading home is easier if I leave tommorrow rather than tonight. It feels nice not to have anything around. Yes, I love my roommate. She is awesome. But there is something nice about quite, quite from everything and everyone. Yes, I am a social being but actually... I need my quite alone time. Anyone who rooms with me, has to realize, there are times I just don't want anyone or anything around me and I need a time out from the world. Time out times allow me to think, to gather my thoughts, to do research. Then there are times, I don't want people to leave me alone. I know... strange. In times of stress, I probably do best when I'm left alone. It allows me to gather my thoughts and feelings back in order and I feel better after I've done some interal problem solving. But please... don't forget about me when you leave me alone! Don't always leave me alone because after I restore my social battery, I want to use it! I want to party, do dinner, go to a movie, talk with online friends, laugh, crack jokes... I'm not a hermit. I don't want to be a hermit, but I need space sometimes. However if you leave me alone all the time, I will either walk away from you totally or I'll go looking for you.

If I walk away from you totally, it usually means that you're not on my inside friends list or you're not close enough to me. I'm a layered person and if I let you into deeper layers then that is something special. So treasure it, because I don't always let everyone into every layer. If I'm so private, why am I bloging then? Good question but there is an equally good answer. No one knows this blog except certain people. My own folks don't even know about this blog. If you know who I am and you know about this blog, congradulations, you've pretty much made it almost to the center of the onion! Good job Donkey! 

I've realized, I do mask things, and alot of times it's not intentional! Fear is one of the top reasons I do mask things. Fear of hurting someone else, fear of getting my pride hurt, fear of failure, fear of admitting I need help, I know all these fears are shallow and uncalled for. However I do it. It's one of my worst sins is my fear. 

Yeah, I'm trying, I'm worried, and I'm busting my tail. Yes, it's tough but I can do it. I'm not in trouble yet but I got to stay focused.

So as I sit here dreaming of crab legs for Thanksgiving dinner, while eating my crapy McDonalds burger, I leave everyone with these last thoughts.

If you're reading this... Thank god you are and may the good Lord bless you for putting up with me and being my friend.  You've made it to the center of my onion and I'm thankful to have you there. 

Happy Thanksgiving and don't eat too much Turkey! 

Googble googble!

Shorthorngal